Sebastian..

Hey guys!  I was not going to do a Friday blog today, but the more I thought about it..the more I knew that I should, or maybe more so that I needed to.  I have always been careful not to use my blog as a venue for personal issues. Of course, I let all of you into my life every week, but this is just a small part of me..in this great big world we all share.  My blog is not my journal..I'm not one to spill all of personal problems in real life, so you def won't find them on this here blerg.

So, this brings me to why I did not want to write today.  I didn't want to get too personal..Most of you come here out of curiosity - to see what I've been up to, or because you want to read something positive, or because you just like me for me, and you think I'm really awesome - thanks for that btw..I like you too..and you're awesome too..

I come here for the same reasons..because this is a happy place, this is where I can 100% be myself, share a part of myself that many of you do not know unless you've actually met me. This is me..I really am a total dork most all of the time..I laugh at myself - a lot..I make mistakes, I spend way too much money on things that only mean something to me..I try to see the good in everything, especially the bad, I am a complete klutz..I can't remember jokes unless I write them down..I even have bad hair days (more good ones though..just sayin) 

I'm real..Just like you..and things don't always go the way I want them to.

Yesterday was a sad day at our house.  I had to put my 19 year old little kitten cat to sleep.

I knew this day was coming quickly, but I had no idea I would be the one to have to make the final decision. I have never made such a decision.. I mean really,  I make important decisions everyday..I am a Mom, so of course my child's life is in my hands everyday and I am responsible for him..but I have never had to make the decision to end someones suffering, and it is something I never thought I would physically be able to do, and to be honest..never wanted to do, but when the time came I didn't think twice about it.

It was time, and I knew it.

I won't go too far into the details, it's pretty sad.  I cried a lot, not for myself, but because I felt bad for Sebastian and my heart was broken for Trey.  This is the second pet he has lost. I was maybe 20 when I lost my first pet, and I just think it's really unfair that children have to hurt like that, but I do understand that it's part of it..life - I mean.  We all want to protect our children, but unfortunately we are unable to protect them from life..from heartache.  It is truly heart wrenching when your 14 year old wraps both his arms around you  as tight as he can and sobs, uncontrollably - and all you can do is just be there, and let him.

The Doctor took one look at Sebastian and assured me I was doing the right thing.  I was able to have a few minutes alone with him, to talk to him and love on him..I rocked him like a little baby and told him how special he was to me and that I was so thankful to be his Mommy..and then I held him and rocked him until he was gone.  Kissing him until his little heart stopped beating.  

I did what any Mom would do.  I was by his side until the very end. 

I am sad..my heart is broken because my child's heart is broken.  I can't fix it.  I have to watch it happen.  So, feeling all this hurt and helplessness I did what I do best, and decided to find the good within the bad..

I rescued Sebastian from the shelter 9 years ago.  Trey and I just went to visit the animals, and then ended up leaving with this huge cat with long fur all over the place.

He was absolutely beautiful.

The funniest part about this is that I don't even really like cats..I'm a dog person - but I loved that cat.

It was love at first meow..

Being on the rescue end of things now..I know that I saved his life.  

I gave him a home, more love than you could ever imagine.  I fed him, I took him for rides in the car..Told you...I'm a dog Mom..I don't know any differently, and neither did he.  

He taught me patience..

He showed everyone he met unconditional love.

No matter what happened in my life day to day he was always at my feet looking up to me showing no judgement.  Only love and stinky meows.

He always had dog Brothers that out numbered him and he fit in just fine.

I am so thankful that for some reason I walked into that cold, wet, scary shelter that day and brought home this living, breathing, scared little human with paws and was able to give him a brand new start.

It may not have meant anything out of the ordinary to anyone else, but it sure meant the world to him, and I believe he thanked me everyday for it.

I'm mostly thankful that he chose me to be his Mom.

xo

Carrie